I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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