period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
