ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
