I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
