im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
