Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
