A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
