Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
