and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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