I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
