so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
