i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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