He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
