Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
