i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
