I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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