I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
