I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
she looked like the before picture.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
