So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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