I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
