put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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