I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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