make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
