Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
