Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
