This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
