genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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