The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
