Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
