There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
