nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
