Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
