apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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