I accidentally had phone sex last night
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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