Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
