she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
