Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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