Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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