Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
