I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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