It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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