as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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