So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
