My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
