I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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