I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
