she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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