You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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