Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So much Jack, so little girl.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I party with great urgency now.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
