And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
