thus making me awesome and them whores
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
