ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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